So I've periodically gone to counseling since graduating college. The main reason I had to initially start visiting with one was being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after my memory loss episode in September/October 2006. In case some of you don't know, those with anxiety issues usually get thrown off by MAJOR life changes (marriages, job changes, etc.). The catalyst for this memory loss (stress induced fugue) was the fact that since May 2006 I had graduated college, moved back to Mtn. Home, got my job at Walmart, moved to Bentonville, and registered for and took the LSAT. My brain freaked out and took a vacation. I was forced on a medical leave and given a slew of meds and counseling. From my perspective, the medication was horrible and the counseling was okay. All was well in my world until 2009.
What happened in 2009? Well... more major life changes (all amazing ones). I left my Walmart job (May), Lance and I got married (June), and I started grad school without an assistantship in place (August). If you haven't already been advised, it would probably be best to avoid spending your newlywed period in grad school. Not fun. Anyway, I started hitting some bumpy roads with my anxiety again and at this time met the best counselor imaginable. She was slightly on the hippy side and I thought she was the coolest lady ever. She gave me some of the best coping tools ever. She also gave me the first insight into the fact that I may not work well with others. We were discussing my Myers Briggs score (INTJ) and some other traits I possess. What she told me kind of threw me.
"You either need to be upper administration or work on you own." What? I've always been involved in teams through sports, school, and my Walmart job. I knew the division of tasks and responsibilities and had it mastered. She pointed out that that was not my issue. I could easily be a team player, but the concern is how I respond to being "forced" to work with and report to others. After several years to absorb this, I can see she was right. This is going to sound horrible about me, but it's true. I can find value in all of my coworkers, but I'm often driven crazy by them. This is not a judgment on them, but rather on me. In my mind, people are either too energetic, too lazy, too fake, too monotone...too anything. Yes, I know I have my weaknesses. When placed working closely with others (especially when my own work is lumped into a collective product), it wears me out. Hence my stress/anxiety goes through the roof. True story... I have not had a single stress induced migraine since leaving my job.
I've reflected over which direction my life should go now that I'm an at home mommy. If you know me, I have to keep my mind going. Hence the blog. Hence the multitude of books I've read in the last 6 months. I need to be stimulated. I love working, but I love working on my own. I need to be my own boss. I need to create my own product and do with it what I will. In the words of the brilliant Lloyd Dobbler (Say Anything), "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
I see friends doing amazingly well in direct sales, and it makes me a bit envious. I wish there was a product that infiltrated my heart so deeply that I'd market it until my fingers fell off typing posts. Even within my own family - my brother does an AMAZING job in the business world. He has that charisma that pulls others in and he can point them in the direction of his choosing. I just can't do it. The gene blending in the family gave my brother all those traits and gave me the introverted, introspective, anti-social weirdness.
It's not like I'm anti-establishment - or maybe I am. But I can't help looking at the institutions I work for (all great) and see that they are really about the $$$ and those working for them help to make sure that balance stays in the black. Granted this is only partially true, but that's how my jacked up brain processes things.
Dear friends, pray for me. Help me find a direction. I know God has called me to create, but I'm not sure what. I want to write, I want to get back into art, I want to get better with photography. At the same strange time, I love numbers. I love math. I love the idea of teaching. Help me start crafting my future. I want my boys to see me so passionate about something that they can't help but catching their own fever of passion for their interests.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
To lean in or to lie back and relax?
I just finished reading an article in Glamour that just got my writing wheel turning at an incredible rate of speed. The June issue of the magazine features an article by Zosia Mamet. She writes for Glamour every other month, but is more well known for her role in the Girls series as Shoshanna. Anyway, her article this month was in response to Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. I will be the first to admit that I have not read Ms. Sandberg's book, but I have gathered the gist of it through reading various articles and websites. The concept is based on the woman's role in the workplace. (If you know me, you know my opinion on this issue can be pretty divisive.)
The article's title can give you a hint as to the direction of the piece: No, I Won't Lean In, Thanks. What she had to say floored me - in a good way - and left me totally reaffirmed. She questions why a woman has to be pressured to "do it all". "You have to wake up, have a cup of coffee, conquer France, bake a perfect cake, take a boxing class, and figure out how you are going to get that corner office or become district supervisor..." rather than just get up, have your coffee, and head to work. She refers to the woman who chooses to hold off on a promotion because she wants to have a baby, and how her actions deem her as a failure.
I could not possibly agree more. I am an insanely high achiever. I couldn't just be in school (high school, college, grad school). I had to graduate top of the class (all three times), be in as many clubs and organizations as possible (first two times), and even have a baby (hello grad school). This bled over into my career. My original trajectory was law school, but thanks to a little dose of stress-induced amnesia after taking the LSAT, I redirected. Instead, I pursued higher education. In my two years as an advisor, I also helped coordinate an orientation process that filtered through approximately 1500 freshman at a community college every summer. I have/had this ceaseless need to do more, be more, and achieve more. Unfortunately, this wasn't just with work. I wanted to be the best wife I could be, have the most organized/clean house possible, cook dinners rather than order out, and spend plenty of time with my child (which would later become children). I will readily admit that I couldn't do it all, but I sure tried.
So...in accordance with the societal impetus on "work/life balance". I began requesting accommodations at work that would allow me to be more balanced with home. I felt that I worked extremely hard, and that my requests would be met or perhaps another option would be introduced. Instead I was met with pushback. I was a professional, and my work needed to be done...in the office...the full 40 hours of each week. Let me tell you that I didn't just whine about wanting to be home more. I presented at least three proposals that would allow me to complete the same level of work in less hours and options for work at home tasks. The response...nope. It's not for the good of the team. This does not say that my previous employer was wrong, I just didn't understand how someone who worked as hard as I felt I had and contributed as much as I had would have her thoughts so easily dismissed.
What happened? I spent the majority of my second pregnancy under heightened stress - to the extent that I had higher than needed blood pressure and was ultimately forced into an earlier maternity leave. I was trying to make it all work, but couldn't. I kept trying to "Lean In" to do more, be more, and accomplish more. At the same time, I kept having this nagging sensation that something wasn't fitting. I really feel that the nagging was God's gentle reminder that I need to focus on what He wants for me. After we had Charlie, I was able to clear my mind of work tasks to focus on what needed to be going on in my life. I needed to temporarily lie back and relax from my career. I knew I needed to do it, but I still felt the constant achieving pressure that giving up my job would have me deemed as a failure. How in the world could I not do both? Aside from that, I received comments from friends alluding to the feminist theme of needing to do both to be a real, successful woman. All of this was driving me mad. Why did I have to have constant pressure to achieve? Why was it not okay to be a full time mom? Working MUCH more than 40hr/wk raising my boys.
I realized that it was external pressures from society. These pressures, when combined with an achiever personality, are toxic. They make you constantly second-guess your decisions and capabilities. Thankfully, I have an amazing family who helped me see through those pressures. So now, I'm in my 5th month staying at home with my kiddos and sitting at the kitchen table typing a blog so maybe 10 people can read it. You know what? That's okay. I have been able to be here for Charlie's first laugh, his success at rolling over, desperate attempts to sit up - and 5,000 changed shirts and burp cloths thanks to his massive amounts of spit-up. I wouldn't change a thing. I may not do this for long, but I will be here for now. I will make sure they grow up knowing that I was here for them. I can say the same for my mom who was home with my brother and I until we were well into grade school.
Whether my career picks back up in higher education, or maybe teaching, or possibly even writing (I can dream) - I know it will pick back up. I know a job will be there some day, but some day my boys won't. They will grow up (with God's grace), graduate, go to college - or not, and move on. I refuse to spend these years beating myself up behind a desk when I can be at home getting abused by two little boys who will never have another mom other than me. I only wish that society would see both as amazing successes. A corporate CEO works just as hard as a mom raising a family. The CEO doesn't work any harder if she also has a family to raise - she just works differently. The stay at home mom isn't lazy because she doesn't also have a job outside the home.
I can tell you that one thing that really helped me feel secure in my decision was a thought I had a month or so ago. I left my job, and a few people said they would miss me, but I was replaced and my job continued. As it should. There are probably very few at my previous place of employment who have given me a second thought. On the other hand, if I were to be removed from my family - everything would change. Lance wouldn't have a wife who regularly fusses with him but works to give him a warm and happy place to call home. William and Charlie wouldn't have a mom. Their lives would be forever altered. In my future endeavors, I hope I will always choose to pursue the path that would be forever changed if I weren't involved. Most jobs will go on (unless you are a one person business), but families may not. Always make the choice to pursue what needs you the most. It may impact your bank account, but I can guarantee you won't regret it.
The article's title can give you a hint as to the direction of the piece: No, I Won't Lean In, Thanks. What she had to say floored me - in a good way - and left me totally reaffirmed. She questions why a woman has to be pressured to "do it all". "You have to wake up, have a cup of coffee, conquer France, bake a perfect cake, take a boxing class, and figure out how you are going to get that corner office or become district supervisor..." rather than just get up, have your coffee, and head to work. She refers to the woman who chooses to hold off on a promotion because she wants to have a baby, and how her actions deem her as a failure.
I could not possibly agree more. I am an insanely high achiever. I couldn't just be in school (high school, college, grad school). I had to graduate top of the class (all three times), be in as many clubs and organizations as possible (first two times), and even have a baby (hello grad school). This bled over into my career. My original trajectory was law school, but thanks to a little dose of stress-induced amnesia after taking the LSAT, I redirected. Instead, I pursued higher education. In my two years as an advisor, I also helped coordinate an orientation process that filtered through approximately 1500 freshman at a community college every summer. I have/had this ceaseless need to do more, be more, and achieve more. Unfortunately, this wasn't just with work. I wanted to be the best wife I could be, have the most organized/clean house possible, cook dinners rather than order out, and spend plenty of time with my child (which would later become children). I will readily admit that I couldn't do it all, but I sure tried.
So...in accordance with the societal impetus on "work/life balance". I began requesting accommodations at work that would allow me to be more balanced with home. I felt that I worked extremely hard, and that my requests would be met or perhaps another option would be introduced. Instead I was met with pushback. I was a professional, and my work needed to be done...in the office...the full 40 hours of each week. Let me tell you that I didn't just whine about wanting to be home more. I presented at least three proposals that would allow me to complete the same level of work in less hours and options for work at home tasks. The response...nope. It's not for the good of the team. This does not say that my previous employer was wrong, I just didn't understand how someone who worked as hard as I felt I had and contributed as much as I had would have her thoughts so easily dismissed.
What happened? I spent the majority of my second pregnancy under heightened stress - to the extent that I had higher than needed blood pressure and was ultimately forced into an earlier maternity leave. I was trying to make it all work, but couldn't. I kept trying to "Lean In" to do more, be more, and accomplish more. At the same time, I kept having this nagging sensation that something wasn't fitting. I really feel that the nagging was God's gentle reminder that I need to focus on what He wants for me. After we had Charlie, I was able to clear my mind of work tasks to focus on what needed to be going on in my life. I needed to temporarily lie back and relax from my career. I knew I needed to do it, but I still felt the constant achieving pressure that giving up my job would have me deemed as a failure. How in the world could I not do both? Aside from that, I received comments from friends alluding to the feminist theme of needing to do both to be a real, successful woman. All of this was driving me mad. Why did I have to have constant pressure to achieve? Why was it not okay to be a full time mom? Working MUCH more than 40hr/wk raising my boys.
I realized that it was external pressures from society. These pressures, when combined with an achiever personality, are toxic. They make you constantly second-guess your decisions and capabilities. Thankfully, I have an amazing family who helped me see through those pressures. So now, I'm in my 5th month staying at home with my kiddos and sitting at the kitchen table typing a blog so maybe 10 people can read it. You know what? That's okay. I have been able to be here for Charlie's first laugh, his success at rolling over, desperate attempts to sit up - and 5,000 changed shirts and burp cloths thanks to his massive amounts of spit-up. I wouldn't change a thing. I may not do this for long, but I will be here for now. I will make sure they grow up knowing that I was here for them. I can say the same for my mom who was home with my brother and I until we were well into grade school.
Whether my career picks back up in higher education, or maybe teaching, or possibly even writing (I can dream) - I know it will pick back up. I know a job will be there some day, but some day my boys won't. They will grow up (with God's grace), graduate, go to college - or not, and move on. I refuse to spend these years beating myself up behind a desk when I can be at home getting abused by two little boys who will never have another mom other than me. I only wish that society would see both as amazing successes. A corporate CEO works just as hard as a mom raising a family. The CEO doesn't work any harder if she also has a family to raise - she just works differently. The stay at home mom isn't lazy because she doesn't also have a job outside the home.
I can tell you that one thing that really helped me feel secure in my decision was a thought I had a month or so ago. I left my job, and a few people said they would miss me, but I was replaced and my job continued. As it should. There are probably very few at my previous place of employment who have given me a second thought. On the other hand, if I were to be removed from my family - everything would change. Lance wouldn't have a wife who regularly fusses with him but works to give him a warm and happy place to call home. William and Charlie wouldn't have a mom. Their lives would be forever altered. In my future endeavors, I hope I will always choose to pursue the path that would be forever changed if I weren't involved. Most jobs will go on (unless you are a one person business), but families may not. Always make the choice to pursue what needs you the most. It may impact your bank account, but I can guarantee you won't regret it.
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