So I've periodically gone to counseling since graduating college. The main reason I had to initially start visiting with one was being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after my memory loss episode in September/October 2006. In case some of you don't know, those with anxiety issues usually get thrown off by MAJOR life changes (marriages, job changes, etc.). The catalyst for this memory loss (stress induced fugue) was the fact that since May 2006 I had graduated college, moved back to Mtn. Home, got my job at Walmart, moved to Bentonville, and registered for and took the LSAT. My brain freaked out and took a vacation. I was forced on a medical leave and given a slew of meds and counseling. From my perspective, the medication was horrible and the counseling was okay. All was well in my world until 2009.
What happened in 2009? Well... more major life changes (all amazing ones). I left my Walmart job (May), Lance and I got married (June), and I started grad school without an assistantship in place (August). If you haven't already been advised, it would probably be best to avoid spending your newlywed period in grad school. Not fun. Anyway, I started hitting some bumpy roads with my anxiety again and at this time met the best counselor imaginable. She was slightly on the hippy side and I thought she was the coolest lady ever. She gave me some of the best coping tools ever. She also gave me the first insight into the fact that I may not work well with others. We were discussing my Myers Briggs score (INTJ) and some other traits I possess. What she told me kind of threw me.
"You either need to be upper administration or work on you own." What? I've always been involved in teams through sports, school, and my Walmart job. I knew the division of tasks and responsibilities and had it mastered. She pointed out that that was not my issue. I could easily be a team player, but the concern is how I respond to being "forced" to work with and report to others. After several years to absorb this, I can see she was right. This is going to sound horrible about me, but it's true. I can find value in all of my coworkers, but I'm often driven crazy by them. This is not a judgment on them, but rather on me. In my mind, people are either too energetic, too lazy, too fake, too monotone...too anything. Yes, I know I have my weaknesses. When placed working closely with others (especially when my own work is lumped into a collective product), it wears me out. Hence my stress/anxiety goes through the roof. True story... I have not had a single stress induced migraine since leaving my job.
I've reflected over which direction my life should go now that I'm an at home mommy. If you know me, I have to keep my mind going. Hence the blog. Hence the multitude of books I've read in the last 6 months. I need to be stimulated. I love working, but I love working on my own. I need to be my own boss. I need to create my own product and do with it what I will. In the words of the brilliant Lloyd Dobbler (Say Anything), "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
I see friends doing amazingly well in direct sales, and it makes me a bit envious. I wish there was a product that infiltrated my heart so deeply that I'd market it until my fingers fell off typing posts. Even within my own family - my brother does an AMAZING job in the business world. He has that charisma that pulls others in and he can point them in the direction of his choosing. I just can't do it. The gene blending in the family gave my brother all those traits and gave me the introverted, introspective, anti-social weirdness.
It's not like I'm anti-establishment - or maybe I am. But I can't help looking at the institutions I work for (all great) and see that they are really about the $$$ and those working for them help to make sure that balance stays in the black. Granted this is only partially true, but that's how my jacked up brain processes things.
Dear friends, pray for me. Help me find a direction. I know God has called me to create, but I'm not sure what. I want to write, I want to get back into art, I want to get better with photography. At the same strange time, I love numbers. I love math. I love the idea of teaching. Help me start crafting my future. I want my boys to see me so passionate about something that they can't help but catching their own fever of passion for their interests.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
To lean in or to lie back and relax?
I just finished reading an article in Glamour that just got my writing wheel turning at an incredible rate of speed. The June issue of the magazine features an article by Zosia Mamet. She writes for Glamour every other month, but is more well known for her role in the Girls series as Shoshanna. Anyway, her article this month was in response to Sheryl Sandberg's book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead. I will be the first to admit that I have not read Ms. Sandberg's book, but I have gathered the gist of it through reading various articles and websites. The concept is based on the woman's role in the workplace. (If you know me, you know my opinion on this issue can be pretty divisive.)
The article's title can give you a hint as to the direction of the piece: No, I Won't Lean In, Thanks. What she had to say floored me - in a good way - and left me totally reaffirmed. She questions why a woman has to be pressured to "do it all". "You have to wake up, have a cup of coffee, conquer France, bake a perfect cake, take a boxing class, and figure out how you are going to get that corner office or become district supervisor..." rather than just get up, have your coffee, and head to work. She refers to the woman who chooses to hold off on a promotion because she wants to have a baby, and how her actions deem her as a failure.
I could not possibly agree more. I am an insanely high achiever. I couldn't just be in school (high school, college, grad school). I had to graduate top of the class (all three times), be in as many clubs and organizations as possible (first two times), and even have a baby (hello grad school). This bled over into my career. My original trajectory was law school, but thanks to a little dose of stress-induced amnesia after taking the LSAT, I redirected. Instead, I pursued higher education. In my two years as an advisor, I also helped coordinate an orientation process that filtered through approximately 1500 freshman at a community college every summer. I have/had this ceaseless need to do more, be more, and achieve more. Unfortunately, this wasn't just with work. I wanted to be the best wife I could be, have the most organized/clean house possible, cook dinners rather than order out, and spend plenty of time with my child (which would later become children). I will readily admit that I couldn't do it all, but I sure tried.
So...in accordance with the societal impetus on "work/life balance". I began requesting accommodations at work that would allow me to be more balanced with home. I felt that I worked extremely hard, and that my requests would be met or perhaps another option would be introduced. Instead I was met with pushback. I was a professional, and my work needed to be done...in the office...the full 40 hours of each week. Let me tell you that I didn't just whine about wanting to be home more. I presented at least three proposals that would allow me to complete the same level of work in less hours and options for work at home tasks. The response...nope. It's not for the good of the team. This does not say that my previous employer was wrong, I just didn't understand how someone who worked as hard as I felt I had and contributed as much as I had would have her thoughts so easily dismissed.
What happened? I spent the majority of my second pregnancy under heightened stress - to the extent that I had higher than needed blood pressure and was ultimately forced into an earlier maternity leave. I was trying to make it all work, but couldn't. I kept trying to "Lean In" to do more, be more, and accomplish more. At the same time, I kept having this nagging sensation that something wasn't fitting. I really feel that the nagging was God's gentle reminder that I need to focus on what He wants for me. After we had Charlie, I was able to clear my mind of work tasks to focus on what needed to be going on in my life. I needed to temporarily lie back and relax from my career. I knew I needed to do it, but I still felt the constant achieving pressure that giving up my job would have me deemed as a failure. How in the world could I not do both? Aside from that, I received comments from friends alluding to the feminist theme of needing to do both to be a real, successful woman. All of this was driving me mad. Why did I have to have constant pressure to achieve? Why was it not okay to be a full time mom? Working MUCH more than 40hr/wk raising my boys.
I realized that it was external pressures from society. These pressures, when combined with an achiever personality, are toxic. They make you constantly second-guess your decisions and capabilities. Thankfully, I have an amazing family who helped me see through those pressures. So now, I'm in my 5th month staying at home with my kiddos and sitting at the kitchen table typing a blog so maybe 10 people can read it. You know what? That's okay. I have been able to be here for Charlie's first laugh, his success at rolling over, desperate attempts to sit up - and 5,000 changed shirts and burp cloths thanks to his massive amounts of spit-up. I wouldn't change a thing. I may not do this for long, but I will be here for now. I will make sure they grow up knowing that I was here for them. I can say the same for my mom who was home with my brother and I until we were well into grade school.
Whether my career picks back up in higher education, or maybe teaching, or possibly even writing (I can dream) - I know it will pick back up. I know a job will be there some day, but some day my boys won't. They will grow up (with God's grace), graduate, go to college - or not, and move on. I refuse to spend these years beating myself up behind a desk when I can be at home getting abused by two little boys who will never have another mom other than me. I only wish that society would see both as amazing successes. A corporate CEO works just as hard as a mom raising a family. The CEO doesn't work any harder if she also has a family to raise - she just works differently. The stay at home mom isn't lazy because she doesn't also have a job outside the home.
I can tell you that one thing that really helped me feel secure in my decision was a thought I had a month or so ago. I left my job, and a few people said they would miss me, but I was replaced and my job continued. As it should. There are probably very few at my previous place of employment who have given me a second thought. On the other hand, if I were to be removed from my family - everything would change. Lance wouldn't have a wife who regularly fusses with him but works to give him a warm and happy place to call home. William and Charlie wouldn't have a mom. Their lives would be forever altered. In my future endeavors, I hope I will always choose to pursue the path that would be forever changed if I weren't involved. Most jobs will go on (unless you are a one person business), but families may not. Always make the choice to pursue what needs you the most. It may impact your bank account, but I can guarantee you won't regret it.
The article's title can give you a hint as to the direction of the piece: No, I Won't Lean In, Thanks. What she had to say floored me - in a good way - and left me totally reaffirmed. She questions why a woman has to be pressured to "do it all". "You have to wake up, have a cup of coffee, conquer France, bake a perfect cake, take a boxing class, and figure out how you are going to get that corner office or become district supervisor..." rather than just get up, have your coffee, and head to work. She refers to the woman who chooses to hold off on a promotion because she wants to have a baby, and how her actions deem her as a failure.
I could not possibly agree more. I am an insanely high achiever. I couldn't just be in school (high school, college, grad school). I had to graduate top of the class (all three times), be in as many clubs and organizations as possible (first two times), and even have a baby (hello grad school). This bled over into my career. My original trajectory was law school, but thanks to a little dose of stress-induced amnesia after taking the LSAT, I redirected. Instead, I pursued higher education. In my two years as an advisor, I also helped coordinate an orientation process that filtered through approximately 1500 freshman at a community college every summer. I have/had this ceaseless need to do more, be more, and achieve more. Unfortunately, this wasn't just with work. I wanted to be the best wife I could be, have the most organized/clean house possible, cook dinners rather than order out, and spend plenty of time with my child (which would later become children). I will readily admit that I couldn't do it all, but I sure tried.
So...in accordance with the societal impetus on "work/life balance". I began requesting accommodations at work that would allow me to be more balanced with home. I felt that I worked extremely hard, and that my requests would be met or perhaps another option would be introduced. Instead I was met with pushback. I was a professional, and my work needed to be done...in the office...the full 40 hours of each week. Let me tell you that I didn't just whine about wanting to be home more. I presented at least three proposals that would allow me to complete the same level of work in less hours and options for work at home tasks. The response...nope. It's not for the good of the team. This does not say that my previous employer was wrong, I just didn't understand how someone who worked as hard as I felt I had and contributed as much as I had would have her thoughts so easily dismissed.
What happened? I spent the majority of my second pregnancy under heightened stress - to the extent that I had higher than needed blood pressure and was ultimately forced into an earlier maternity leave. I was trying to make it all work, but couldn't. I kept trying to "Lean In" to do more, be more, and accomplish more. At the same time, I kept having this nagging sensation that something wasn't fitting. I really feel that the nagging was God's gentle reminder that I need to focus on what He wants for me. After we had Charlie, I was able to clear my mind of work tasks to focus on what needed to be going on in my life. I needed to temporarily lie back and relax from my career. I knew I needed to do it, but I still felt the constant achieving pressure that giving up my job would have me deemed as a failure. How in the world could I not do both? Aside from that, I received comments from friends alluding to the feminist theme of needing to do both to be a real, successful woman. All of this was driving me mad. Why did I have to have constant pressure to achieve? Why was it not okay to be a full time mom? Working MUCH more than 40hr/wk raising my boys.
I realized that it was external pressures from society. These pressures, when combined with an achiever personality, are toxic. They make you constantly second-guess your decisions and capabilities. Thankfully, I have an amazing family who helped me see through those pressures. So now, I'm in my 5th month staying at home with my kiddos and sitting at the kitchen table typing a blog so maybe 10 people can read it. You know what? That's okay. I have been able to be here for Charlie's first laugh, his success at rolling over, desperate attempts to sit up - and 5,000 changed shirts and burp cloths thanks to his massive amounts of spit-up. I wouldn't change a thing. I may not do this for long, but I will be here for now. I will make sure they grow up knowing that I was here for them. I can say the same for my mom who was home with my brother and I until we were well into grade school.
Whether my career picks back up in higher education, or maybe teaching, or possibly even writing (I can dream) - I know it will pick back up. I know a job will be there some day, but some day my boys won't. They will grow up (with God's grace), graduate, go to college - or not, and move on. I refuse to spend these years beating myself up behind a desk when I can be at home getting abused by two little boys who will never have another mom other than me. I only wish that society would see both as amazing successes. A corporate CEO works just as hard as a mom raising a family. The CEO doesn't work any harder if she also has a family to raise - she just works differently. The stay at home mom isn't lazy because she doesn't also have a job outside the home.
I can tell you that one thing that really helped me feel secure in my decision was a thought I had a month or so ago. I left my job, and a few people said they would miss me, but I was replaced and my job continued. As it should. There are probably very few at my previous place of employment who have given me a second thought. On the other hand, if I were to be removed from my family - everything would change. Lance wouldn't have a wife who regularly fusses with him but works to give him a warm and happy place to call home. William and Charlie wouldn't have a mom. Their lives would be forever altered. In my future endeavors, I hope I will always choose to pursue the path that would be forever changed if I weren't involved. Most jobs will go on (unless you are a one person business), but families may not. Always make the choice to pursue what needs you the most. It may impact your bank account, but I can guarantee you won't regret it.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Four months and fun.
I've been meaning to write a new blog, but the days just weren't letting me. It's funny how time seemed to drag on while we were deciding whether I should stay home, and has gone like a speeding train since we pulled the plug on my employment. Life at home has been mostly blissful. William is home with me two days a week, and one of those days we go to Rogers library for story time. I can't tell if he likes it yet or not. The kids are not his "school friends", so he doesn't really know how to interact with them. He mostly likes to hang out with me - no complaints! It dawned on me that I haven't taken a picture of him at story time yet, so I may have to do that this week. Consider this post a little montage to William - since people say I don't post enough of him!
Lent: Lance and I decided to observe lent this year. First time ever. We picked what may be one of the hardest things to give up - sweets! My definition of sweets was cakes, cookies, brownies, any pastries, and ice cream. It's HARD! I will get a random craving for a coke float or one of my yummy brownies, only to realize that they are on the black list until Easter. The down side is that I catch myself trying to fill the craving with other foods - trying to keep it healthy - but I think I end up eating more than I would have had I just had a bite of a flippin' sweet! Lance also took out snacking in general. Yeah right, like I could have done that. I also gave up something else, but I will save that for a post Easter post. :)
Charlie: Charlie bear is just as amazing as ever. He's 17 weeks old today and just a barrel of laughs. He's trying to roll from his back to belly. He's kind of given up on rolling from his belly to his back unless there's nothing else to do. He'd rather spend tummy time chewing on his hands or blanket and squealing with delight. He LOVES to sit up and stand. I will lay him on his back and he will throw his hands out for me to hold them and then he immediately pulls into a crunch. He's so strong, and I can't believe he's growing so fast. He's also obsessed with his jumper, and will spend the majority of his time in it jumping from left foot to right over and over. I try not to compare him to William's development at the same age, but he seems to be a little more motivated to get things done. Maybe it's his rosy little disposition. The main difference is that he's about 4 lbs. lighter than William was at the same age. Charlie is about 13.5-14lbs. William was 18.2 at his 4mo. checkup.
Life: Life in general is going pretty well right now. I'm trying to gradually step up my exercising and proper eating. I've been meal planning for about a month to get used to the habit of doing it. Now I'm slowly cutting out some of the carbs in the meals and adding more veggies. Lance hasn't complained, so that's a good sign. I'm actually starting to enjoy cooking. I still like baking more, but giving sweets up for Lent has allowed me to redirect that passion into figuring out this cooking thing. I may rejoin the gym I was using before I got pregnant. It was only $10 a month and it's very close to the house. The only problem is that I'll probably have to go at 6:00am since Lance doesn't get home from work until 7:30. At that time, I'd rather veg out than work out. Also, working out at that time gets my energy pumping way too much and it's like I took 15 espresso shots (no sleep for me!).
Hope you enjoyed this long-overdue post. The pictures even made me happy enough that I decided not to post a mini-vent session I've had on my mind. :)
Someone explain to me when William turned form this cute little baby…
…into this handsome little boy?
Lent: Lance and I decided to observe lent this year. First time ever. We picked what may be one of the hardest things to give up - sweets! My definition of sweets was cakes, cookies, brownies, any pastries, and ice cream. It's HARD! I will get a random craving for a coke float or one of my yummy brownies, only to realize that they are on the black list until Easter. The down side is that I catch myself trying to fill the craving with other foods - trying to keep it healthy - but I think I end up eating more than I would have had I just had a bite of a flippin' sweet! Lance also took out snacking in general. Yeah right, like I could have done that. I also gave up something else, but I will save that for a post Easter post. :)
Charlie: Charlie bear is just as amazing as ever. He's 17 weeks old today and just a barrel of laughs. He's trying to roll from his back to belly. He's kind of given up on rolling from his belly to his back unless there's nothing else to do. He'd rather spend tummy time chewing on his hands or blanket and squealing with delight. He LOVES to sit up and stand. I will lay him on his back and he will throw his hands out for me to hold them and then he immediately pulls into a crunch. He's so strong, and I can't believe he's growing so fast. He's also obsessed with his jumper, and will spend the majority of his time in it jumping from left foot to right over and over. I try not to compare him to William's development at the same age, but he seems to be a little more motivated to get things done. Maybe it's his rosy little disposition. The main difference is that he's about 4 lbs. lighter than William was at the same age. Charlie is about 13.5-14lbs. William was 18.2 at his 4mo. checkup.
Charlie is a professional thumb sucker.
Life: Life in general is going pretty well right now. I'm trying to gradually step up my exercising and proper eating. I've been meal planning for about a month to get used to the habit of doing it. Now I'm slowly cutting out some of the carbs in the meals and adding more veggies. Lance hasn't complained, so that's a good sign. I'm actually starting to enjoy cooking. I still like baking more, but giving sweets up for Lent has allowed me to redirect that passion into figuring out this cooking thing. I may rejoin the gym I was using before I got pregnant. It was only $10 a month and it's very close to the house. The only problem is that I'll probably have to go at 6:00am since Lance doesn't get home from work until 7:30. At that time, I'd rather veg out than work out. Also, working out at that time gets my energy pumping way too much and it's like I took 15 espresso shots (no sleep for me!).
This proves that William shared the same shock expression that Charlie loves to give.
This is both boys (Charlie in blue, William in red) at about the same age.
You can tell that William had a much chunkier face.
Their hair color also looks a bit similar, but William's is much more orange-red where Charlie is auburn-red.
Hope you enjoyed this long-overdue post. The pictures even made me happy enough that I decided not to post a mini-vent session I've had on my mind. :)
Monday, March 10, 2014
My little fella is 3 months old!
So I was going through my instagram feed last night when I realized that every single picture was one of my friends' children. It's a nice feeling to see picture after picture of kiddos up to their cute antics. Thankfully I was out of college before the wonderful iPhone - and the instant nature of the mobile upload - was invented so there weren't any pictures of these same friends up to their maybe not-so-sober collegiate antics. Life definitely changes, and in my opinion, for the better.
The big change for me was becoming a parent. Getting married was one shift in my life. I had to learn how to share a home and co-exist with another person 24/7. I know that sounds not so romantic, but I knew I loved Lance to pieces. What I didn't know is how my OCD self would manage having to permanently share space with another person. Once this was managed, I knew we could make it through anything in our marriage. :) Becoming a mom, however, totally shifted my world. It's like my axis shifted and nothing would ever be viewed from the same angle. I didn't care about the things the way I used to. William made me realize what truly being selfless meant. I would sacrifice anything that mattered to me for the sake of his health and general happiness. I say general because I would NOT be an over-indulgent mom. It's not in my nature. William gets in trouble. He gets spats on the bottom when he continues to defy my words. He also gets my whole heart when he gives me a hug and says, "my love you momma".
Then came Charlie. Lance thought I was ridiculous before and during my pregnancy with Charlie. I'd get pretty upset trying to figure out how I would love another baby the way I loved William. I didn't think there would be enough room in my heart. I would ask Lance if it was normal for parents to feel that way, and he just didn't see it the way I did. He couldn't wait for his second baby. I stressed and worried over whether I could love Charlie the way I did William up until the moment I met him. Granted my introduction to him was a little different than how I met William, but both came into the world being difficult. After a wonderfully painful labor and delivery - William then decided not to breathe right away (or maybe he took his breath too early and aspirated some fluid), and it took forever to hear his first cry. Charlie on the other hand was welcomed into the world through a medical precision of a c-section. He entered the world with a strong wail. My first sight of him (over the curtain), brought tears to my eyes. He also decided to be a concern from the beginning. He had fluid on his lungs and low blood sugar. I didn't get to hold him or try to feed him for 4 hours. As soon as I had him in my arms, I knew that my heart had just exploded.
Charlie was a beautiful newborn (maybe thanks to the lack of getting his head smushed). I have loved getting to know this little fella. He's an awesome AWESOME baby. Thank goodness because William is a barrel full of monkeys by himself. Charlie is laid back and has such a happy disposition. He sleeps well and just generally chills. Charlie has brought balance and perspective into my world. He helped solidify my desire and decision to be at home. Every day I get to spend all my time with his cute little self. I know it's probably because he's around me more than anyone, but he just seems to light up so much when I talk to him. I get pretty goofy to bring out his smiles and little giggles. His little blue eyes just make my heart melt over and over again. I cannot believe he's been with us for 3 months. It seems like we just found out we were going to be blessed with another baby (after almost a year of praying for him). He has been an answered prayer, and I cannot imagine the Glover family without him. I was made to be a momma to my two boys. William has become a whole new child as a big brother. You can tell he thinks that Charlie hung the moon.
Happy three months Charlie bear! I love you to the moon and back.
My precious boys.
The big change for me was becoming a parent. Getting married was one shift in my life. I had to learn how to share a home and co-exist with another person 24/7. I know that sounds not so romantic, but I knew I loved Lance to pieces. What I didn't know is how my OCD self would manage having to permanently share space with another person. Once this was managed, I knew we could make it through anything in our marriage. :) Becoming a mom, however, totally shifted my world. It's like my axis shifted and nothing would ever be viewed from the same angle. I didn't care about the things the way I used to. William made me realize what truly being selfless meant. I would sacrifice anything that mattered to me for the sake of his health and general happiness. I say general because I would NOT be an over-indulgent mom. It's not in my nature. William gets in trouble. He gets spats on the bottom when he continues to defy my words. He also gets my whole heart when he gives me a hug and says, "my love you momma".
Chuck-e-Cheese Please!
Then came Charlie. Lance thought I was ridiculous before and during my pregnancy with Charlie. I'd get pretty upset trying to figure out how I would love another baby the way I loved William. I didn't think there would be enough room in my heart. I would ask Lance if it was normal for parents to feel that way, and he just didn't see it the way I did. He couldn't wait for his second baby. I stressed and worried over whether I could love Charlie the way I did William up until the moment I met him. Granted my introduction to him was a little different than how I met William, but both came into the world being difficult. After a wonderfully painful labor and delivery - William then decided not to breathe right away (or maybe he took his breath too early and aspirated some fluid), and it took forever to hear his first cry. Charlie on the other hand was welcomed into the world through a medical precision of a c-section. He entered the world with a strong wail. My first sight of him (over the curtain), brought tears to my eyes. He also decided to be a concern from the beginning. He had fluid on his lungs and low blood sugar. I didn't get to hold him or try to feed him for 4 hours. As soon as I had him in my arms, I knew that my heart had just exploded. Charlie was a beautiful newborn (maybe thanks to the lack of getting his head smushed). I have loved getting to know this little fella. He's an awesome AWESOME baby. Thank goodness because William is a barrel full of monkeys by himself. Charlie is laid back and has such a happy disposition. He sleeps well and just generally chills. Charlie has brought balance and perspective into my world. He helped solidify my desire and decision to be at home. Every day I get to spend all my time with his cute little self. I know it's probably because he's around me more than anyone, but he just seems to light up so much when I talk to him. I get pretty goofy to bring out his smiles and little giggles. His little blue eyes just make my heart melt over and over again. I cannot believe he's been with us for 3 months. It seems like we just found out we were going to be blessed with another baby (after almost a year of praying for him). He has been an answered prayer, and I cannot imagine the Glover family without him. I was made to be a momma to my two boys. William has become a whole new child as a big brother. You can tell he thinks that Charlie hung the moon.
Happy three months Charlie bear! I love you to the moon and back.
Monday, March 3, 2014
My new normal...
This is the week that I would have returned from maternity leave - well I guess today would have been a snow day, but you get the idea. Instead, I'm officially a stay at home mom!
I know it seems as though I've been beating the dead horse by constantly talking about staying at home, and technically I have been at home since the week of Thanksgiving. It just feels a little bit different knowing that I no longer have employment. I haven't been this stress free in YEARS. My entire life has been filled with me learning something new, and now I get to learn how to be an awesome version of myself. All of the learning has been education/career focused until now: 13 years of k-12, 4 years of college, almost 3 years deciding between law school and grad school, 2 years of grad school, 2 years learning how to be a higher ed professional…and before I know it, I'm 30.
In my last post I mentioned all the goals I have for being 30. I should add one more of getting to know myself better. I spend so much time getting to know other things and people, that I don't get to spend much time on me. I still don't with me spending 24 hours a day with Charlie, a little less than that with William, and quite a bit less than that with Lance. However, there are those quiet times where I'm not cleaning or doing laundry, and I can just think. I know I want to be happier with myself - and a big part of that is being healthier. Another part of it, is that I can be a bit of an intellectual (not at all in a conceited manner) who needs to have her brain stimulated. That was a concern of mine when deciding to stay home. I didn't want to give up my daily brain usage. I'm now figuring out that there is no such thing as an idle brain with me - it just redirects. I will always have something I'm needing to plan or a new skill to learn. It seems that lately, I've been feeling pulled to writing. I'd love to have an amazing idea strike me so I could have so much fun writing. I have a little pipe dream of writing a novel, the problem is that I need the idea or concept. I don't even care if it ever gets published, I'd just like to have an original idea written by yours truly. We'll see what develops in months to come. :)
On the family front, my boys continue to become more and more awesome. William is becoming so funny, and I think he may be realizing that his defiant streak gets him nowhere, so there's no point in letting me have it. Our lingering issue is getting him to keep his butt in bed. Every night takes us over an hour to get him to bed. He comes out with a request for hugs and kisses, then to have help going potty, and then just to have mommy or daddy to lay with him for a minute. I'm constantly conflicted. Parts of me wants to indulge him in his requests, because he will never be this age again. The other part of me gets totally exhausted by his persistence and I just want him to hush up and get in bed. I guess if this is how one big annoyance then I can live with it. His little brother being totally adorable also helps me cope with the tiny William drawbacks. Charlie is getting to the point where he's desperately trying to giggle. Lance can get him going by singing "Horse Right Here" from Guys and Dolls (don't tell him I wrote this), and I bring the giggles out by smiles and chats. I guess he just thinks I'm funny looking.
Oh yeah, I can't remember if I mentioned that I donated my hair on my birthday. I gave up 9.5" to Beautiful Lengths. I originally donated to them in 2007 through Walmart when 7 of us at the home office were selected to have our hair cut and styled by celebrity stylist Danilo (think Gwen Stefani). This time I think may hair was longer than it had ever been. See the pictures? I'm so relieved to have it chopped. Long, thick hair (while pretty) can be a literal pain. Since my hair is so heavy, it actually gives me headaches when it is long. Not to mention it takes 20-30 minutes to straighten - not to mention time needed if I actually dried it. Now I can have my hair dried and straightened in the time it used to take to straighten. Plus… may hair is going to make some lady a pretty nice wig some day.
I know it seems as though I've been beating the dead horse by constantly talking about staying at home, and technically I have been at home since the week of Thanksgiving. It just feels a little bit different knowing that I no longer have employment. I haven't been this stress free in YEARS. My entire life has been filled with me learning something new, and now I get to learn how to be an awesome version of myself. All of the learning has been education/career focused until now: 13 years of k-12, 4 years of college, almost 3 years deciding between law school and grad school, 2 years of grad school, 2 years learning how to be a higher ed professional…and before I know it, I'm 30.
In my last post I mentioned all the goals I have for being 30. I should add one more of getting to know myself better. I spend so much time getting to know other things and people, that I don't get to spend much time on me. I still don't with me spending 24 hours a day with Charlie, a little less than that with William, and quite a bit less than that with Lance. However, there are those quiet times where I'm not cleaning or doing laundry, and I can just think. I know I want to be happier with myself - and a big part of that is being healthier. Another part of it, is that I can be a bit of an intellectual (not at all in a conceited manner) who needs to have her brain stimulated. That was a concern of mine when deciding to stay home. I didn't want to give up my daily brain usage. I'm now figuring out that there is no such thing as an idle brain with me - it just redirects. I will always have something I'm needing to plan or a new skill to learn. It seems that lately, I've been feeling pulled to writing. I'd love to have an amazing idea strike me so I could have so much fun writing. I have a little pipe dream of writing a novel, the problem is that I need the idea or concept. I don't even care if it ever gets published, I'd just like to have an original idea written by yours truly. We'll see what develops in months to come. :)
Because everyone deserves to see a picture of two precious brothers
Oh yeah, I can't remember if I mentioned that I donated my hair on my birthday. I gave up 9.5" to Beautiful Lengths. I originally donated to them in 2007 through Walmart when 7 of us at the home office were selected to have our hair cut and styled by celebrity stylist Danilo (think Gwen Stefani). This time I think may hair was longer than it had ever been. See the pictures? I'm so relieved to have it chopped. Long, thick hair (while pretty) can be a literal pain. Since my hair is so heavy, it actually gives me headaches when it is long. Not to mention it takes 20-30 minutes to straighten - not to mention time needed if I actually dried it. Now I can have my hair dried and straightened in the time it used to take to straighten. Plus… may hair is going to make some lady a pretty nice wig some day.
That's all for now. Happy Monday! Hopefully everyone is staying inside and safe from the frigid air and crazy white stuff. Take care all!
Monday, February 24, 2014
Two Weeks Notice and my 30th!
I can never manage to post as much as I'd like to, but at least I'm doing much better than the 3 year gap I had previously. I'm going to start this post with saying just how thankful I am that our house is all healthy and happy. There was about a month that I thought the various sicknesses would just keep rotating through the house. With the exception of Lance either jamming, breaking, or severely bruising a toe last weekend - we've been healthy lately.
William and Charlie are definitely starting to get more comfortable with each other. William is getting so much better at not being too rough with Charlie. This morning I had both boys with me on the couch to watch some Disney. Charlie was being his normal chipper self making some ah-goo noises, when William lets me know that Charlie said he needs his big brother to hold his hand. He reached over and sat there holding Charlie's hand while watching cartoons. I know most days that William is a tornado of defiance and chaos throughout the house, but there are those golden moments where he is such a little angel. It makes me so happy, and I love seeing those boys get to know each other.
I've had some amazing things happen since the last post. I gave my resignation notice to NWACC and I turned 30! The former was bittersweet, but the later was just pure bliss.
Two Weeks Notice:
I think it has been blatantly obvious that I haven't wanted to return back to work since having Charlie. I had been so conflicted about making the jump into being a stay at home mom, when I know our finances aren't totally lining up. After several weeks of prayer, Lance decided that I needed to be home. This season in our life just calls for me to put my career aside to take care of my family and home. I still stress a little about the finances, but mom and dad told me this last week that their budget never lined out early in their marriage when mom was home with me and Jared. I guess it just shows that numbers can't hold a candle to what God can do for those that follow him. We've done what we can to cut costs, but now we are just going to follow God and let him provide for us. It's amazing the peace I feel now that the decision has been made. I still have to go to work for my exit interview and to clear out my office, but won't be advising another student as an NWACC academic advisor. The only bittersweet piece is giving up the work I did on a daily basis at my job. It got frustrating at time, but there was a lot of reward in helping students figure out their future. I often got feedback directly or indirectly as to how I had made such an impact on a student by just spending some extra time helping them. There are students I will miss at my job, but I'd rather be missed by people at work than by my boys.
Happy Birthday to ME!:
I turned 30 on Wednesday! I'm a 30 year old wife and mother of two boys! Can you believe it? I'm so proud of everything I've accomplished in the last 10 years, and cannot wait for the chapter. I've made a few goals for the 365 days I will be 30. I plan to continue to lower my anxiety through prayer and communication with Lance. I'm already realizing that a large part of my anxiety was balancing my job and personal life. I also need to be more verbal with Lance as to what's going on in my head. I have a tendency to internalize everything until I'm like a pressure cooker ready to let off way too much steam at once. It's not healthy for me or my family, and I'm always a work in progress. I've also decided that I'm going to lose a minimum of 30lbs, preferably 40ish. I'd love to weigh what I did before I got pregnant with William. I know it's more about the number though - I want the energy and feeling of well-being I had at that time. I can feel better about myself and be ready to keep up with two little boys. I really am so excited to be 30!!
Switching off cable to save:
We decided to ditch cable to save some on our monthly budget. Our combined cable and internet bill had just tipped the scale at $140. This was for mid-level internet and HD channels. No big extras. No DVR. It's obscene. We're now going to have half that bill for just our internet. Lance got me an Apple TV for my birthday. We're still getting the feel of it, but the airplay piece is awesome! I can stream whatever I'm doing on my phone, iPad, or macbook on to the TV. Thank goodness for not having to watch Downton on a tiny screen!
Meal Planning:
Lastly, I've decided I'm going to learn to like cooking. If you know me, you know I absolutely love baking. I love creating sweet concoctions that make others happy. Cooking - different story. It's messy. I have to handle raw meats. . . yuck! However, I've decided I can save some serious cash by planning out our meals. I found foodonthetable.com, a free meal planning website. It lets you pick the meals you like, and will provide you with the recipe as well as the grocery list needed. I'm excited about trying it out, and have 4 meals planned for this week. Also, thanks to my parents buying us a little deep freezer - I can actually work on a stock pile of staple foods that can be thawed out the day I plan to cook a meal. I will be domestic if it kills me!!
As always, I've had a lot on my mind. I guess the lack of adult interaction means that I let it out on here. I have a lot of personal goals, and I think sharing them on here can help keep me accountable.
Goals:
1. lose weight/get active/feel better
2. learn to like cooking
3. keep anxiety in check
4. build better relationship with our church
William and Charlie are definitely starting to get more comfortable with each other. William is getting so much better at not being too rough with Charlie. This morning I had both boys with me on the couch to watch some Disney. Charlie was being his normal chipper self making some ah-goo noises, when William lets me know that Charlie said he needs his big brother to hold his hand. He reached over and sat there holding Charlie's hand while watching cartoons. I know most days that William is a tornado of defiance and chaos throughout the house, but there are those golden moments where he is such a little angel. It makes me so happy, and I love seeing those boys get to know each other.
I've had some amazing things happen since the last post. I gave my resignation notice to NWACC and I turned 30! The former was bittersweet, but the later was just pure bliss.
Two Weeks Notice:
I think it has been blatantly obvious that I haven't wanted to return back to work since having Charlie. I had been so conflicted about making the jump into being a stay at home mom, when I know our finances aren't totally lining up. After several weeks of prayer, Lance decided that I needed to be home. This season in our life just calls for me to put my career aside to take care of my family and home. I still stress a little about the finances, but mom and dad told me this last week that their budget never lined out early in their marriage when mom was home with me and Jared. I guess it just shows that numbers can't hold a candle to what God can do for those that follow him. We've done what we can to cut costs, but now we are just going to follow God and let him provide for us. It's amazing the peace I feel now that the decision has been made. I still have to go to work for my exit interview and to clear out my office, but won't be advising another student as an NWACC academic advisor. The only bittersweet piece is giving up the work I did on a daily basis at my job. It got frustrating at time, but there was a lot of reward in helping students figure out their future. I often got feedback directly or indirectly as to how I had made such an impact on a student by just spending some extra time helping them. There are students I will miss at my job, but I'd rather be missed by people at work than by my boys.
Happy Birthday to ME!:
I turned 30 on Wednesday! I'm a 30 year old wife and mother of two boys! Can you believe it? I'm so proud of everything I've accomplished in the last 10 years, and cannot wait for the chapter. I've made a few goals for the 365 days I will be 30. I plan to continue to lower my anxiety through prayer and communication with Lance. I'm already realizing that a large part of my anxiety was balancing my job and personal life. I also need to be more verbal with Lance as to what's going on in my head. I have a tendency to internalize everything until I'm like a pressure cooker ready to let off way too much steam at once. It's not healthy for me or my family, and I'm always a work in progress. I've also decided that I'm going to lose a minimum of 30lbs, preferably 40ish. I'd love to weigh what I did before I got pregnant with William. I know it's more about the number though - I want the energy and feeling of well-being I had at that time. I can feel better about myself and be ready to keep up with two little boys. I really am so excited to be 30!!
Switching off cable to save:
We decided to ditch cable to save some on our monthly budget. Our combined cable and internet bill had just tipped the scale at $140. This was for mid-level internet and HD channels. No big extras. No DVR. It's obscene. We're now going to have half that bill for just our internet. Lance got me an Apple TV for my birthday. We're still getting the feel of it, but the airplay piece is awesome! I can stream whatever I'm doing on my phone, iPad, or macbook on to the TV. Thank goodness for not having to watch Downton on a tiny screen!
Meal Planning:
Lastly, I've decided I'm going to learn to like cooking. If you know me, you know I absolutely love baking. I love creating sweet concoctions that make others happy. Cooking - different story. It's messy. I have to handle raw meats. . . yuck! However, I've decided I can save some serious cash by planning out our meals. I found foodonthetable.com, a free meal planning website. It lets you pick the meals you like, and will provide you with the recipe as well as the grocery list needed. I'm excited about trying it out, and have 4 meals planned for this week. Also, thanks to my parents buying us a little deep freezer - I can actually work on a stock pile of staple foods that can be thawed out the day I plan to cook a meal. I will be domestic if it kills me!!
As always, I've had a lot on my mind. I guess the lack of adult interaction means that I let it out on here. I have a lot of personal goals, and I think sharing them on here can help keep me accountable.
Goals:
1. lose weight/get active/feel better
2. learn to like cooking
3. keep anxiety in check
4. build better relationship with our church
Friday, February 7, 2014
Blessings and Battles
This week marks two milestones - one for each boy. Actually there have been two for William over the last two weeks, but I'll get to that.
Charlie:
The first milestone is that Charlie is now 8 weeks old. He's changed so much in his short little life. He's smiling a lot, and even trying to make giggle noises. It's so nice to see this healthier, happier Charlie after him having RSV and being a bit lethargic the last couple of weeks. He's also decided that 8 weeks is an excellent time to start rolling over. He did it the first time Wednesday afternoon, but only Lance saw it and he wasn't sure that it was on purpose. I decided to give him some more tummy time yesterday and he immediately started working himself up on his side. The first time he got stuck there on his side and quit trying to flip over. I helped him out by getting him started back on his belly. The second time he just went right back to work trying to get over. He got himself on his side, and basically scissor-kicked his legs until he flopped over. He's getting so big and I just wish I could push pause for a minute. He's such a beautiful blessing and has added so much joy to our family.
William:
William's first milestone actually came last week, which you would have known if I had gotten around to writing a blog. We finally got him to his first dentist appointment. I've read that you're supposed to take them much earlier, but we just haven't thought to get him there. I guess being pregnant and having Charlie has served as a pretty substantial distraction. Either way, William really had fun at the dentist. He calls is the "silly place" because the waiting area has video games and toys for the kids to play with while they wait for their appointment. Also, there are TV's mounted above each chair/bed so the kiddos can wear some headphones and watch cartoons. William got to chill to Doc McStuffins while he got his teeth cleaned. The dentist let us know that he has a few molars that will need to be watched because she detected some weakness. She said it was nothing we were doing wrong with brushing - just that the teeth came in a little weak. I think he may have gotten that from my side of the genes. My adult molars all had to be filled because they came in weak. Thankfully they gave us fluoride toothpaste to try to work on the spots. It's possible at his 6 month follow up that he may have to have them worked on. :( The dentist also said that William may be headed for braces. I find this a little hard to believe as his teeth are perfectly straight and with room. Guess we will wait and see.
Charlie:
The first milestone is that Charlie is now 8 weeks old. He's changed so much in his short little life. He's smiling a lot, and even trying to make giggle noises. It's so nice to see this healthier, happier Charlie after him having RSV and being a bit lethargic the last couple of weeks. He's also decided that 8 weeks is an excellent time to start rolling over. He did it the first time Wednesday afternoon, but only Lance saw it and he wasn't sure that it was on purpose. I decided to give him some more tummy time yesterday and he immediately started working himself up on his side. The first time he got stuck there on his side and quit trying to flip over. I helped him out by getting him started back on his belly. The second time he just went right back to work trying to get over. He got himself on his side, and basically scissor-kicked his legs until he flopped over. He's getting so big and I just wish I could push pause for a minute. He's such a beautiful blessing and has added so much joy to our family.
This blurry pic is Charlie in action trying to roll himself over. He's such a hard worker! :)
William's first milestone actually came last week, which you would have known if I had gotten around to writing a blog. We finally got him to his first dentist appointment. I've read that you're supposed to take them much earlier, but we just haven't thought to get him there. I guess being pregnant and having Charlie has served as a pretty substantial distraction. Either way, William really had fun at the dentist. He calls is the "silly place" because the waiting area has video games and toys for the kids to play with while they wait for their appointment. Also, there are TV's mounted above each chair/bed so the kiddos can wear some headphones and watch cartoons. William got to chill to Doc McStuffins while he got his teeth cleaned. The dentist let us know that he has a few molars that will need to be watched because she detected some weakness. She said it was nothing we were doing wrong with brushing - just that the teeth came in a little weak. I think he may have gotten that from my side of the genes. My adult molars all had to be filled because they came in weak. Thankfully they gave us fluoride toothpaste to try to work on the spots. It's possible at his 6 month follow up that he may have to have them worked on. :( The dentist also said that William may be headed for braces. I find this a little hard to believe as his teeth are perfectly straight and with room. Guess we will wait and see.
William was pretty excited about the "purple stuff" that helped to show him and us where to focus on his brushing.
He was a little less thrilled about getting some x-rays, but was still such an awesome boy.
William's second milestone - which I guess is more mine, is that we've dropped him down to part-time day care/preschool. He now stay home on Tuesday and Thursday. This is where the BATTLE part of my blog title comes from. William really is an awesome kid 99% of the time. He behaves and acts like a typical 3 year old. However, he still has some issues sharing me with Charlie sometimes. It's only an issue when I'm home alone with the boys. William is still sweet to Charlie, but he goes CRAZY. Yesterday alone, I think he did everything we've asked him not to do in the last month. By the time Lance got home at 7:30 last night, I was DONE being a mom. I clocked out and just sat on the couch to watch some of the Olympics. I know it will get better as William adjusts to the change of being home more, but he really knows how to test me. This battle will be won by momma, and I will see William being home more as a blessing.
On a completely separate note, we are still working on making a pretty big decision in the Glover home so I would appreciate your prayers that God guides us in the way we need to go. Happy Friday, y'all! Thank the sweet God above that it's Friday and that I'm about to have a weekend with my Lance!
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