So I've periodically gone to counseling since graduating college. The main reason I had to initially start visiting with one was being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder after my memory loss episode in September/October 2006. In case some of you don't know, those with anxiety issues usually get thrown off by MAJOR life changes (marriages, job changes, etc.). The catalyst for this memory loss (stress induced fugue) was the fact that since May 2006 I had graduated college, moved back to Mtn. Home, got my job at Walmart, moved to Bentonville, and registered for and took the LSAT. My brain freaked out and took a vacation. I was forced on a medical leave and given a slew of meds and counseling. From my perspective, the medication was horrible and the counseling was okay. All was well in my world until 2009.
What happened in 2009? Well... more major life changes (all amazing ones). I left my Walmart job (May), Lance and I got married (June), and I started grad school without an assistantship in place (August). If you haven't already been advised, it would probably be best to avoid spending your newlywed period in grad school. Not fun. Anyway, I started hitting some bumpy roads with my anxiety again and at this time met the best counselor imaginable. She was slightly on the hippy side and I thought she was the coolest lady ever. She gave me some of the best coping tools ever. She also gave me the first insight into the fact that I may not work well with others. We were discussing my Myers Briggs score (INTJ) and some other traits I possess. What she told me kind of threw me.
"You either need to be upper administration or work on you own." What? I've always been involved in teams through sports, school, and my Walmart job. I knew the division of tasks and responsibilities and had it mastered. She pointed out that that was not my issue. I could easily be a team player, but the concern is how I respond to being "forced" to work with and report to others. After several years to absorb this, I can see she was right. This is going to sound horrible about me, but it's true. I can find value in all of my coworkers, but I'm often driven crazy by them. This is not a judgment on them, but rather on me. In my mind, people are either too energetic, too lazy, too fake, too monotone...too anything. Yes, I know I have my weaknesses. When placed working closely with others (especially when my own work is lumped into a collective product), it wears me out. Hence my stress/anxiety goes through the roof. True story... I have not had a single stress induced migraine since leaving my job.
I've reflected over which direction my life should go now that I'm an at home mommy. If you know me, I have to keep my mind going. Hence the blog. Hence the multitude of books I've read in the last 6 months. I need to be stimulated. I love working, but I love working on my own. I need to be my own boss. I need to create my own product and do with it what I will. In the words of the brilliant Lloyd Dobbler (Say Anything), "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."
I see friends doing amazingly well in direct sales, and it makes me a bit envious. I wish there was a product that infiltrated my heart so deeply that I'd market it until my fingers fell off typing posts. Even within my own family - my brother does an AMAZING job in the business world. He has that charisma that pulls others in and he can point them in the direction of his choosing. I just can't do it. The gene blending in the family gave my brother all those traits and gave me the introverted, introspective, anti-social weirdness.
It's not like I'm anti-establishment - or maybe I am. But I can't help looking at the institutions I work for (all great) and see that they are really about the $$$ and those working for them help to make sure that balance stays in the black. Granted this is only partially true, but that's how my jacked up brain processes things.
Dear friends, pray for me. Help me find a direction. I know God has called me to create, but I'm not sure what. I want to write, I want to get back into art, I want to get better with photography. At the same strange time, I love numbers. I love math. I love the idea of teaching. Help me start crafting my future. I want my boys to see me so passionate about something that they can't help but catching their own fever of passion for their interests.
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